The Fear of Rejection

Like many young people, I wasn’t aware of rejection, in terms of relationships, up until a point. Although ‘no’ was, for me, a type of dismissal, rejection of some sort. So where did my fear of rejection come from? And how have I dealt with this? Whether or not my experiences or research are relevant to everyone is subjective. But who better to answer than the most single gal at University?

1. Deal with it

We can never learn if we let this fear of rejection stop us from growing as individuals. By knowing the potential origins, we can attempt to circumvent hours of second-guessing and feeling ostracised from the world. In the words of Edith Piaf, ‘Non, je ne regrette rien’. Although we find ourselves rejected by others, it is better to deal with our situation and live life with no regrets. As rejection means "to not accept someone", by accepting ourselves and dealing with the consequences, we can grow despite the possible implications. Don’t let this anger, anxiety or depression lead you to avoid situations, or more importantly, life. It is not a question of whether we avoid our situations to better cope, as Freud suggests, but to let nature run its course in the progression of the ‘survival of the fittest’. (Charles Darwin). Naturally, it is the way of life. Rejection. The purpose is not to procure the cause but to deal with the consequences.

2. You’re not alone

This sentiment helps me to maintain perspective in life. Whether this is from a job or someone saying ‘no’. Have you ever been on a date, thought it went well, but received no message? I find that instead of moving on and accepting this initial rejection, we overthink and doubt ourselves. Maybe I wasn’t smart, funny, small enough, tall enough. Why is it that we find the need to internalise this rejection, even dwell on this detrimental feeling? I check my phone again. No new messages. In the back of my mind, this internal voice tells me, "You don’t deserve to be in a relationship". This is common with dating apps and the minds of young adults. But are we to blame? Or is it simply the reality of the situation?

3. How I view rejection

Picture this: Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, February 14th; Valentine’s Day. Newly single and watching Bridget Jones, obviously. Catastrophising my situation, I felt rejected by the ‘world’ amongst all others. This made me aware of why we fear rejection and consequently seek validation from others. Bridget clings onto any advances - even sexual - to fuel her ego, despite this being from the wrong individual. Yet deep down she desires for someone to accept her just the way she is.

This philosophy has faded into the screen, and REALITY has produced for hopeless romantics out there a nightmare. In other words, ‘Hook-up culture’. I find it is hard, however not impossible, to negate the cause of these issues. Ask yourself this: Why are you seeking validation? I’m sure the answer is obvious to you, but you choose to ignore it.

4. Has there been a time when you have rejected someone?

This could even relate to prejudice or preconceived misconceptions. How can we view rejection differently? We cannot blame others for a common act which we all will do and encounter in our lives. There are instances where hints don’t suffice to show a lack of interest. Being upfront and communicating with others is the best way to reject someone. However, sometimes obstacles such as the miscommunication of alcohol can often lead good intentions astray. I believe that the ostensible ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ argument does not achieve a good outcome for either party involved. This means that once again ‘rejection’ is something which we avoid. However, rejection happens within all areas of our lives. The more we can come to terms with such the better.

As children, we are led astray with the misconception that we will meet someone, fall in love and live happily ever after. As we grow up, we notice that our fairy-tale image of being swept off our feet by a prince or princess is a far cry from reality. Therefore, we reach this ultimatum: Is this precedent avoidable, or should we just accept the reality of life?

Overall considerations

I believe that to appreciate being accepted and valued, we must first encounter rejection. Whether it’s in our nature to fear rejection or to avoid it, some aspects of life are out of our control. You are not alone, and neither am I. Hence, we should focus on the fact that the person we are always with is ourselves. We need to face our fears and accept the reality of rejection.